I know this story very well. In 2002, when my beloved father died in an accident, my cousins, who I had adored and who I assumed felt the same about me, acted in such a reprehensible manner towards me that it was almost darkly comical. My oldest cousin refused to give me his obituary (we were staying with her and the paper came to her). She instructed me to mourn away from everyone else in the family, in my home state miles away. She admonished me and said “When my father died I didn’t have the luxury of grief.” A year later, I discovered that she bought up all the plots around him so that I could never be buried near him if I wanted to be. When I finally ended my relationship with her, she pretended to be the victim.
I’m so sorry for your experience. Sometimes we have to move beyond the cultural expectation of forgiveness, and live our lives without the poison of such cruelty.
Omg Elissa, that is horrific. People are so confounding and perplexing so much of the time. Six weeks later my mother in law died and we had an also nearly comical situation with her gravesite. I’m still processing that one.
I don’t know if I’ll ever resolve some of the things with my brothers that happened. I have a lot of fantasy conversations but they remain in my head. And my emotions are still too close to the surface about them.
During my mother’s struggle with dementia, I sometimes wished I had siblings to share the load of caring for her and the grief of seeing her become someone so different from the mother I loved. As you demonstrated in your comments, often, having siblings isn’t a guarantee of support and help. I have a friend who cared for her mother 12 years, while only one of four brothers offered any help. They only argued that the mother had no business leaving the house to the daughter who cared for their mother day and night for years. Perhaps, in this sense, bearing the burden alone isn’t such a bad thing.
My husband is bearing the burden of his mother's death, just two months after my own, on his own. It is a relief in many ways for him to just be able to make unilateral decisions and in other ways, more difficult. I'm not sure there is any good way but it certain is individual. Thank you for sharing.
Wow. Thank you for writing such a powerful, deep and thought provoking piece. Everyone does grief differently as evidenced by your siblings. In a way I feel sorry for them that they can’t recognize when other people are hurting. It’s a gift to be able to offer love and support to someone who is grieving. Grief is good - good grief.
How could you not resent those brothers who stayed away and wanted to move so quickly onto the money aspect? And forgiveness? Have they asked for it? Do they see they've done anything wrong? I had 3 of my 4 siblings behave atrociously ON CHRISTMAS, 2 days after my daughter passed away. (The 4th wasn't even aware she had passed. Nobody called him directly; just left a VM which he hadn't received since he was under the weather). They all sickened me beyond imagination. One apologized and I forgave. The others I forgave internally so they would not use my energy, but I have no relationship with them and never will. They "didn't think they did anything worth forgiving." They are not people I want in my life. Much easier when you know someone's true colors.
I know this story very well. In 2002, when my beloved father died in an accident, my cousins, who I had adored and who I assumed felt the same about me, acted in such a reprehensible manner towards me that it was almost darkly comical. My oldest cousin refused to give me his obituary (we were staying with her and the paper came to her). She instructed me to mourn away from everyone else in the family, in my home state miles away. She admonished me and said “When my father died I didn’t have the luxury of grief.” A year later, I discovered that she bought up all the plots around him so that I could never be buried near him if I wanted to be. When I finally ended my relationship with her, she pretended to be the victim.
I’m so sorry for your experience. Sometimes we have to move beyond the cultural expectation of forgiveness, and live our lives without the poison of such cruelty.
Omg Elissa, that is horrific. People are so confounding and perplexing so much of the time. Six weeks later my mother in law died and we had an also nearly comical situation with her gravesite. I’m still processing that one.
I don’t know if I’ll ever resolve some of the things with my brothers that happened. I have a lot of fantasy conversations but they remain in my head. And my emotions are still too close to the surface about them.
Thank you for sharing your story. ❤️
During my mother’s struggle with dementia, I sometimes wished I had siblings to share the load of caring for her and the grief of seeing her become someone so different from the mother I loved. As you demonstrated in your comments, often, having siblings isn’t a guarantee of support and help. I have a friend who cared for her mother 12 years, while only one of four brothers offered any help. They only argued that the mother had no business leaving the house to the daughter who cared for their mother day and night for years. Perhaps, in this sense, bearing the burden alone isn’t such a bad thing.
My husband is bearing the burden of his mother's death, just two months after my own, on his own. It is a relief in many ways for him to just be able to make unilateral decisions and in other ways, more difficult. I'm not sure there is any good way but it certain is individual. Thank you for sharing.
Wow. Thank you for writing such a powerful, deep and thought provoking piece. Everyone does grief differently as evidenced by your siblings. In a way I feel sorry for them that they can’t recognize when other people are hurting. It’s a gift to be able to offer love and support to someone who is grieving. Grief is good - good grief.
How could you not resent those brothers who stayed away and wanted to move so quickly onto the money aspect? And forgiveness? Have they asked for it? Do they see they've done anything wrong? I had 3 of my 4 siblings behave atrociously ON CHRISTMAS, 2 days after my daughter passed away. (The 4th wasn't even aware she had passed. Nobody called him directly; just left a VM which he hadn't received since he was under the weather). They all sickened me beyond imagination. One apologized and I forgave. The others I forgave internally so they would not use my energy, but I have no relationship with them and never will. They "didn't think they did anything worth forgiving." They are not people I want in my life. Much easier when you know someone's true colors.
Yes. Yes. And Yes! xoxo